The Real Gary Bettman Interview

1) We read with amazement/amusement the interview that SI and later Stan Fischler did with the NHL's version of Napoleon, Gary Bettman. If one wants to read one of the unfiltered interview the link is provided. However we decided to use a high tech device called the 'Bullshit Eliminator'. It automatically translates all evasive/lies into the cold hard truth. The questions will be the same of course:

2)SI: Let's start right now with one of the most violently controversial topics that occured in the first round: Given the business realities of broadcasting, is there any pressure from American television to change the way the NHL decides playoff games? Will limitless overtime ever be replaced by a system that includes, at some point, a shootout?
Bettman: Of course. We can't tell the fans that right now, but that's been the long range plan all along. Get them to swallow the concept during the regular season, then gradually start to implement it in the post season. First after 2 OTs in the first round only, then as time goes by it will be used in place of all but a token 5 minute OT to keep those bastard old fans happy. The clown commentators on Versus amazingly get even worse with each OT so we look at this as a service to our fans.

SI: As we see every year the fans are in a lather, as usual, about the officiating. What are your thoughts on the work of your officials to this past season?
Bettman:The officials do as they are told. All referees have a transmitter implanted in their brains so they can be contacted at any time during a game. If they try to 'Free lance' they will end up like Kerry Frazier, home for the playoffs!

SI:Goal reviews are especially critical in the playoffs, but they've been at issue all season long. One of the criticisms heard around the league is that the guys making the calls don't always have access to the same angles as the broadcasters, or that there are different angles available in different buildings. When will the league standardize the process?
Bettman: Video replay is one of the many ways with which we can get the results we want. Why else would they need to go to Toronto to have calls decided that are clear cut at the arena? We are proud of the job the folks who are manipulating these calls are doing.

SI:I've been a vocal defender of Versus, primarily because of the fine job they did promoting the game during last season's playoffs, but I'm clearly in the minority here. Going by the input we received prior to this interview, the top issue among our American readers is that the league isn't available to them on ESPN. Obviously that horse has left the barn, but what do you say to those fans?
Bettman: We are happy that the face of the NHL is Versus. Their panel of idiots reflects what we believe to be the intelligence of our fans. Who cares that no one is watching? The morons at Versus paid us more than we deserved anyway.

SI: Describe the health of the NHL?

Bettman: Its on life support. Most of the clubs are barely breaking even or losing money despite the salary cap, favorable currency exchange rate, and great economy. Its a sorry state of affairs that the 6 teams in Canada make 40% of all revenue. Thank God for those saps!

SI: What are the major challenges facing the league going forward?

Bettman: We have to find a way to further alienate what fans we have left. We saw some of those efforts shine through with the NBC Preakness fiasco. We knew going in that is was very possible the game would get bumped by a revenue generating sport like horse racing. We were pleased when it occurred, right before OT of a pivotal playoff game. W estimate 50% of the viewers didn't or couldn't follow the game to Versus. We hope to do more of this kind of stunt in the future.

SI: You have been lauded as the savior of the Penguins. What did you do to save that franchise?

Bettman: It seems the useful idiots in the media are doing their jobs(sniveling laughter). In truth, the Penguins were never in danger of moving. We used Mr. Balsille's offer to get a better deal from the state and city. The offer of course was bogus. We offered Jim first dibs on an expansion team in 2010. This plan worked so well we plan on using it again in Nashville.

SI: Why did you schedule games in Europe to start next season?

Bettman: Europeans have shown they are every bit as simple minded and open to be ripped off as their North American counterparts. As such, its an untapped market for us. Besides, it allows us to have 2 games start at 9:00A.M. local time in California. Sure to have zero viewers!


SI:What do you say to your critics who claim you should have stayed with ESPN?

Bettman: Fuck you!. (More sniveling laughter) Seriously, ESPN knew we weren't worth any kind of money. Our ratings were worse than reruns of cooking shows, so what alternative did we have? Of course I will continue to sell the absurd notion that Versus is great for the league.


SI: Where do you see the league 5 years from now?

Bettman:Well, the current CBA runs out around that time. Already we're planning for another long work stoppage. We plan on coming out with another bogus Levitt-type report showing how much money we're losing. (We'll have 32 teams by then) I estimate the report will show losses in the trillions of dollars which will force the league to institute mandatory caps on salaries to not exceed 150% of minimum wage, or $10/hour, which ever is less. Players will only be paid on a per game basis. We feel this will help greatly diminish teams injury problems as well.


SI: What about the Player's Association? Aren't they now your 'partners'?

Bettman: (Loud sniveling laughter) Partners? That's a good one! When I first started to use that line the Board almost fell over in laughter. We now ARE the NHLPA. The Saskin thing was staged. No matter who is' elected' he will be on our payroll and do what he's told!


SI: Thank you for your time

Bettman: That'll be $10,000. Pay my girl as you leave, Thanks.